mugging

are there times when u just feel that everyone is annoying the shit out of u and u just cannot be bothered to be all nice and patient with them anymore?

well recently.. i've often felt like that..

in the past.. i used to bother and worry about how everyone felt and i really wanted to make sure that i please everyone.. even though ppl sometimes appear to not care about what i think and impose their wants on me.. i just oblige for i couldn't stand the thought of ppl being unhappy with me..

but as time passes.. i start to care less about what ppl think of me and more of what i really need inside and what i really want to show to the world.. it just din seem fair that ppl can have what they want and i can't..

pretending to be happy and accomodating to everyone can get very tiring.. it will also become a vicious cycle (ppl just won't noe that they are upsetting you) and one day you will just die of exhaustion..

i used to hide behind my "happy-go-lucky" and "sui bian" exterior (and maybe i still am for old habits die hard).. but i'm learning to come out of it and start being open about my thoughts.. this will definitely take time but i'm taking a step forward already..

someone once commented that i was very good at emotional blackmail and i think to a certain extent it's true (although i've nvr come to terms with the fact that i use emotional blackmail).. :P i guess it's a product of trying to get what u want and need without opening up ur true feelings to others.. but i'll have to say that being able to manipulate ppl's feelings can be very useful even though it's nothing to be proud of.. :P

also in past.. i used to worry about all my friends and try to make sure that they are always happy with everyone and not felt left out..

once again.. i've lost such energy to worry so much and i try not to get myself into such "unneccessary" situations.. it's not that i've become self-centred (or maybe i have).. it's more of me not having such energy to care anymore.. life has become more complicated as we grow older.. i'm tired of getting myself into situations which i can hardly handle and usually regret getting into.. i just hope that everything turns out fine for everyone and if it doesn't.. i will just feel more horrible about it for i know that i could have done something but i didn't..

anyway... on a lighter note..

today's plan to study and do my readings for company has backfired for various reasons.. thus resulting in me trudging through the readings at such an hour of the day when some of my friends have completed their tutorial..

sigh..

i really never learn..